Setting up your first bondage experience with a new Dom can be exciting and a nerve-wracking experience all at the same time. The vast majority of Doms are good people and are not going to hurt a sub (except at the sub’s request but that’s another post for another day). This post is going to offer several suggestions for a new sub to vet out potential Doms. My recommendations have a bias toward safety and are meant to provide a number of different options for a new sub to consider.
Screen the potential Dom
So you found a Dom you are interested in meeting up with for a scene, that is great!
• Know your interests. It is worth taking some time readying Vagabondage’s post that includes a link to a BDSM checklist. I have seen several of these floating around the internet. The checklist he links to is rather extensive; do not worry if you are not familiar with all of the activities. If you take the time to fill this out I encourage you to be honest with yourself and do not complete it while jerking off.
• Chat with the Dom on several different occasions and be honest with the Dom about what you want and what experience you have. You might love jerking to videos of guys being flogged but are you really ready to be flogged? Do you really want to give another man power to inflict pain on you or do you simply like the idea of it? Neither expect nor allow a Dom to control the entire dialogue between the two of you. You need to learn about the Dom and you should be comfortable asking questions. If you do not find the answers to be satisfactory move on.
• Do not rush into playing and do not let a Dom pressure you into a scene; a good Dom will not rush you. A good Dom will also be willing to work slowly with you to be sure you are comfortable along the way. You can always have additional scenes in the future where you go further; once something happens that you are not OK with you can never go back.
• Determine if the Dom has played with other subs (or Doms) that you know and trust. Seek feedback from others the Dom has played with. Start first by seeking these people out on your own, if you cannot locate these people you can ask the Dom for references but understand that they are not likely to refer you to subs that will give a poor referral. Ask the sub if they would go back to the Dom and why they would (not) go back.
• Make this point mandatory- Ask about STD’s and when the Dom was last tested. Be honest with the Dom about any STD’s you may have. Even if you do not plan on doing any oral or anal with the Dom you should know this information.
Setting up the meeting
If everything is going well with the Dom up to this point you are probably itching to get a scene set up.
• Once you agree on a start/end time and location I highly encourage you to tell a close friend what you are going to do, where you will be, the person you will be with, and their contact information. This person needs to be someone that you trust to contact the police if you do not give them the “all clear” at an agreed upon time. I realize this is going to be difficult for some people so another option would be to include this information in an e-mail to a close friend that you schedule to be sent a couple hours after the scene should be over. That way, if all goes well, you could prevent the e-mail from being automatically sent. If, for some reason, you are not let free your contact will have information that may help locate you. Most people will say that much of what I wrote in the previous paragraph is overkill and they are correct. However do not discount the fact that this “safety net” may help calm your nerves a bit. Think of this a bit like a seat-belt in a car. Ideally you will never actually be in a situation where you need your seat-belt but in the rare event that you get into an accident the seat-belt can help mitigate your injuries. In this post my goal is simply to provide a number of options so you can make the decision that is right for you.
• Make this point mandatory – Agree to safewords ahead of time. I like using red/yellow/green as safewords, just like a stoplight. You also need to be sure you and the Dom are aligned about the meaning of the safeword(s). If you use the safeword does that stop the scene? Does it just stop the immediate action? What if you are gagged or have a hood on and cannot say the safeword – how will you signal it to the Dom?
• Consider meeting in public prior to your first scene so you can chat with the Dom more. You can always walk away if you are not comfortable with the Dom or are having second thoughts.
During the session
• Remember your safeword(s) and use them if you feel they are necessary.
• Remember that while the Dom may have physical control you, as the sub, are truly the one that holds the control in the scene. No one has the right to make you do something you do not want to do.
In my opinion a Dom must earn a sub’s trust. Calling oneself a Dom does not make him one and it should not automatically elicit trust from the sub. This reminds me of my favorite quote from Fight Club “Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.” As I mentioned at the start of this post, most Doms are good people but it will not hurt to be a bit cautious. Play safe!