A couple people suggested via my Tumblr that I write a post about safely meeting a Dom. This post offers some thoughts on this subject as a supplement to my post, “Recommendations To a New sub Setting Up his First Session.” If you have any additional ideas or thoughts on my ideas please leave a comment on this post or get in contact me using another medium. To be clear, I have never met a Dom with intentions of subbing for him. However, I have been the Dom in this situation on a number of occasions.
When I first was thinking through my ideas on how to safely meet a Dom I identified a few different “risk levels”. For purposes of this post I lay out a couple risk levels I think people will be most concerned about. I also assume that the sub has already found a Dom they are interested in and now need to proceed with the process of vetting the Dom.
My first recommendation is to figure out what “safely” means…you probably already have a good idea of what it means to you but be sure you define your concerns for yourself. There are many different definitions of safety. Are you concerned about someone causing intentional harm? I you worried about contracting an STD? Are you worried you may be unintentionally hurt by the Dom in the scene? Once you know what your concerns are you can determine the best plan(s) to mitigate those risks.
Death or Intentional Harm. Chances are very slim that you will get yourself into a situation where someone will intentionally cause you non-consensual harm. Still, this is a common and important concern. My recommendation would be to seek out other subs (preferably subs that have a good reputation) and ask them if they had a good experience with the Dom. Ask specific questions that are related to your concerns; a few questions you could ask the other sub:
-Did you ever feel unsafe when you were with the Dom?
-When you were restrained did you ever feel unsafe?
-Did you ever need to use a safe word?
-Did the Dom respect your limits?
-Do you still play with the Dom? If not, why?
-Would you recommend the Dom to a friend looking to sub?
You will learn a lot about the Dom by asking questions of subs he has played with. Additionally, pay attention to your interactions with the Dom. You can learn a lot about someone by paying attention to what they do. Are their actions consistent with what they say?
You may want to meet the Dom in a public place before your time together. This will allow you to do a final evaluation and see how he is in person. Follow your instincts.
Once you agree on a start/end time and location I highly encourage you to tell a close friend what you are going to do, where you will be, the person you will be with, and their contact information. I would also recommend that you use some sort of app on your phone that would allow your friends to track your whereabouts, like Apple’s “Find My Friends” app.
If you are concerned with contracting an STD – First, figure out what level of risk you find acceptable. After you make this decision ask them Dom what their STD history is. Unfortunately, you have few options but to take the Dom’s word on this. Once you know your acceptable level of risk and the Dom’s STD history you need to make the decision that is correct for you. Communicate that decision BEFORE the scene – if the Dom presses you on this I would advise against playing with him. This is a decision you, and you alone, should make. You can have an incredible experience as a sub (or Dom) without having oral or anal sex.
Be sure to check out my post about setting limits as well – Limits, Perspectives, & Classifications. The reality is that the vast majority of people that are in this scene are really good people; do not forget this fact. I wish you the best in finding the right Dom that can give you a safe and great experience