Archives For Writings for subs

Below is a recount of 211’s trip to Berlin over spring break.  He had a new experience and mixed feelings during a scene there.  I really appreciate the candor with which he wrote:

The week prior to this was my spring break, and I spent my last few days in Berlin. While I did a few touristy things during the day, what stands out the most about my time in Berlin is how I spent my evenings. The most notable occurrence is best summed up by a recent tweet of mine, “I’ve always been told that I’d experience many new things studying abroad… I just didn’t think fisting would be one of them.”  Personally, I find the tweet to be quite humorous, and I want to say overall I did have an enjoyable experience, but I do have to admit that I am slightly bothered by the experience as well. There are a few reasons why this event sits a little uneasily with me, but the main reason is, in retrospect, my hesitancy to use a safe word.

If you were to look at my recon profile, or ask me what my hard limits are, you would have, and still will find that fisting is one of those. Going from that alone, the fisting (or rather the attempt as I did not take the entire fist) shouldn’t have happened that night, but it did. There are three reasons why it did happen, the dominant and I didn’t discuss limits, I was in sub space and was therefore more willing to push my limits, and lastly my hesitancy to use my safe word during the scene. I want to not that I am by no means trying to say that I regretted that night, or that the dominant took advantage of me, but rather I am merely trying to learn something from that night.

As I said before, we didn’t discuss limits or the use of safe words before we started playing. This discussion is extremely important and, in my personal opinion, should happen before meeting up for a scene. Now this isn’t always the easiest thing to do, especially when meeting people at an event or bar, but people should make there best effort to do so or at the very least be prepared to bring things up as a scene is going. This brings me to my concerns about subspace. While I find that the head space is a truly pleasurable experience, I also see it as being dangerous for a sub.

The reason I say this is because being in that headspace, at least for me, makes you more likely to push limits and therefore makes you more vulnerable. While many people may say that limits are meant to be pushed, it is my firm belief for this to be done with a person you trust, and who knows you well enough to determine how far they can push your limits. That night I was deep in my headspace, and because of that I wasn’t as aware of what was occurring in the scene. While I originally thought he was fingering me to prepare me for penetration, I slowly realized that his only intention was to use his hand. Part of me wanted to use my safe word and tell him no, but at the same time I didn’t want to ruin the scene.

In hindsight, I really had no reason to worry about ruining the scene because several times earlier in the night the dominant I was with proved to be understanding and respectful of my limits, and would pause what we were doing to comfort me and ensure me that we wouldn’t do anything that I didn’t want. The first incident was when I was going down on him, and a crowd of people started to jack off around my face. This started to make me feel really uncomfortable and the dominant notice, and said or signaled for the other guys to leave and they did. The second occurred when he started to piss on me and I immediately reacted by pulling away. At first, he continued what he was doing because I hadn’t used a safe word, but when he realized that I was feeling uncomfortable, he stopped and pulled me up and started to hug me while apologizing.

Obviously, he was trying to ensure that I was comfortable and that he wasn’t doing anything that I didn’t want. However, this brings up the question of why he didn’t pick up on my discomfort when he was trying to fist me? There are a few possible answers to this question, but the one that I think occurred is how deep I was in my own headspace, and the headspace that he could have been in. I was so far in my headspace that I wasn’t one hundred percent aware of what was going on. I was aware that he was using he fingers, but I wasn’t aware that he was intending to fist me. By the time I realized what was going on I was at a loss for words because while I wanted to use my safe word, I was also in shock at what was going on. I believe that it was also possible that he was far enough in his headspace, that he didn’t realize I was having mixed feelings. The one thing that I’ve taken away from this is that I need to force myself to use my safe word when I’m feeling uncomfortable, and two that there are sometimes when my limits are going to be pushed and that I have to use those experiences to determine where I want my limits to lie.

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I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou

The prior quote from Maya Angelou has been engrained in my brain since I first heard it back in 2008.  Some things that we hear really resonate with us, this quote resonated with me.  It applies both to non-kinky and kinky aspects of my life but I’ll keep it focused upon my scenes for purposes of this post.

When I Dom I am really looking for more than just locking a guy up and being able to have my way with him.  I want to share an experience with my partner and the sub.  It is hard to describe although I suspect most of you understand what I mean.  Taking our shared experience to another level requires a little forethought but that is true in most things in life.  Here are some of the things I may consider in advance of a scene to help create an experience:

  • Why am I interested in the sub?
  • What am I going to get out of our time?
  • What will the sub get out of it the session?
  • Why is he interested?
  • What is his experience?
  • What are his expectations?
  • What can I learn?

Each time with each sub will be different and some of these questions are more important at various times.  This helps me set up a framework for what I want to do during a scene but it will not give me a specific step by step plan for the scene.  During the flow of the scene my partner and I will adjust as necessary to maximize everyone’s enjoyment.  To be clear, this does not work every time and it will not work for everyone.  However, I have found investing a little bit of time up front has provided me with better experiences than leaving things to chance.

Signaling In a Scene

Fossil9 —  November 11, 2013 — 1 Comment

If you have been following my blog for awhile you likely have seen that the importance of communication is a recurring theme.  In both my professional and kink lives I have seen poor communication cause significant, potentially relationship ending, problems.  Playcurious even included the importance of communication in his recent post that he wrote for my blog:

•    Setup times to talk frankly to the Dom, where you cannot be punished and feel free to talk about anything and everything in the scene, what you liked, what you didn’t, what was good and bad. It’s useful. Communication is important, and critical to ensuring everyone has a good time.

Another major form of communication is non-verbal communication and more specifically, peering through the lens of economics, signalling.  The problem here is overcoming information asymmetry.  Put another way – during a scene both the Dom and the sub have information about their level of enjoyment which, ideally, they will signal to the other party.  Stopping a scene to have a conversation about what is (not) working can kill the flow of the scene and this is where signalling comes in.

Throughout a scene as the Dom does things to you or with you give non-verbal feedback so the Dom can gauge your enjoyment.  Even when you are tightly restrained and gagged you have a number of options to convey your enjoyment or lack thereof.  Moaning and whimpering are two ways that quickly come to mind.  The way you moan or whimper can convey your level of enjoyment or distress.  The way you move or wriggle within restraints, the timing in which you respond to orders, even the speed and deepness of the breaths you take can be used to signal what is (not) working to the Dom.  These signals, in conjunction with the expectations laid our between the sub and Dom in advance of the scene, can be used by the Dom to guide the scene.  Additionally, when a scene turns to interests that have not been fully vetted ahead of time these signals can help guide where the scene goes.  Provide your play partner feedback throughout a scene to help guide each other where to explore next.