Earning Trust

Fossil9 —  September 18, 2013 — 2 Comments

It always surprises me how quickly some subs are willing to give themselves over to a Dom they have never met.  Certainly there is excitement for a sub in finding a Dom and handing himself over to the Dom after exchanging only a few introductory messages.  I can only imagine how intense it must be for a sub to be making his way to an unknown Dom’s playspace.  Putting himself at the mercy of a Dom that has only a basic framework of what the sub’s interests and limits are.  The complete lack of control likely makes for a profound Butterfly Moment.

As a Dom I really struggle with these kinds of situations.  In some cases I believe that the sub is looking to experience what I mention in the previous paragraph and I certainly respect that.  In some other situations I think the sub either does not understand the risks or simply does not care about them.  While I do not understand why safety would not be of paramount concern to a sub I believe that, as adults, we should be able to make informed choices about our actions.

My interest in having a scene with a new sub where he offers himself as a “clean slate” has gone from something that really excited me about 10 years ago to something that borders on being a turn-off for me.  There are several reasons for this change; I believe the primary one being that I have matured significantly over the past 10 years.  My enjoyment of Doming a sub is heavily influenced by the sub’s enjoyment of their role under my control.  Another key to my enjoyment is having earned the sub’s trust rather than simply having the sub’s trust.

There is a difference between earning a sub’s trust and the sub just giving their trust to the Dom.  I think it is easier to push a sub’s limits and grow the D/s relationship when the Dom has earned the sub’s trust rather than when a lower level of trust is given by the sub.  Pushing a sub near his limits and growing my D/s relationship with the sub is rewarding for both of us.  The best way to do this, for me, is on a solid foundation of trust.

-Fossil9

Puppy Gear

2 responses to Earning Trust

  1. As a sub, trust is something I never assumed a Dom would be all that worried about, being the one physically in control of a scene. That said, I can understand and definitely respect your opinion here.

    It’s a but muddled, though, with Twitter, Recon, blogs, and any other form of social media. It’s pretty easy to, as an entirely passive (that is, consumptive) member of the online kink community, feel as though these online personas are people one knows, and, importantly, trusts. Obviously that trust isn’t entirely warranted, and logically anyone should be able to see that, but combined with the rush of potentially meeting a new Dom, it might explain why some subs come on a little strong. It’s certainly a trap I’ve fallen into myself and regretted immediately after opening my mouth (or rather, pushing ‘send’).

    So, I agree with your post, just some thoughts from another perspective. 🙂

  2. Brilliantly stated, Sir. I am in an emerging D/s relationship and couldn’t figure out why my Dom was — seemingly — holding back. Wasn’t I offering up my trust of him on a silver platter? I then realized that Sir was trying to earn my trust rather than just take it from me, which I had not experienced before. Once I allowed myself to have my trust earned it changed the dynamic of the relationship and for the better. He earned my trust and I his. Of course I cannot speak for my Dom but I will say that I am very happy with the way things are going thanks to mutual trust and respect.

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