Getting your BF into Kink

Fossil9 —  November 18, 2012 — 1 Comment

On a few occasions guys that are getting into bondage have asked for advice on how to get their partner to give it a shot.  To be fair, I probably should not be giving advice since I have been with my partner for the past 12 years although I actually was in this situation when my partner TOIL and I first started dating.

My ground shattering advice is to ask your boyfriend if he is in to it.  There are plenty of things that could happen after you bring up the topic but be prepared for one of three different reactions:

  • Response 1 – “Sweet, I love the idea!”
  • Response 2 – “I am not really into it but hey, let’s give it a try.”
  • Response 3 – “No, I’m not willing to do that.”

Response 1 – “Sweet, I love the idea!”
There is a possibility that your boyfriend is sitting there trying to figure out how to bring up the idea of bondage with you.  If this is the case, you are in luck.  The next hard part will likely be determine who will Dom and who will be the sub (note: I am using the terms Dom/sub loosely in this context).  Given the ratio of subs to Doms be prepared to participate in both roles.

Chat with your boyfriend about what you want to try and what he is into.  Agree to what you guys want to do your first few times so there are not any surprises that interfere with your relationship. 

Response 2 – “I am not really into it but hey, let’s give it a try.”
This is the response that you are most likely to encounter after you have worked up the nerve to discuss doing bondage with your boyfriend.  In this situation, you have to be careful.  You do not want to scare him or push him too far too fast.  Talk things through with him and find out what he is into. 

You need to understand if he is simply doing this for you or if he is genuinely interested in bondage.  What role do you want to play in it?  What role do you want him to play?  For your first few times keep it simple.  Use some rope and/or a pair of handcuffs your first few times.  These items are inexpensive and easy to obtain.  Avoid breath control, pain, or any other activity that may be risky or push either of you near your limits.  Until you both have some experience it is difficult to truly know what your limits are.  What you enjoy fantasizing about having happen to you is likely to be well beyond your limits when you are first starting out.

Start out slow – you can always do more in the future.  And remember, nothing can take the place of a solid and honest conversation with your boyfriend about bondage.

Response 3 – “No, I’m not willing to do that.”
If your boyfriend is unwilling to give bondage a try do not fight it.  One cannot be forced to enjoy something they do not enjoy.  Give him some time, if it is a deal breaker then accept it for what it is.  He may come around and he might not.  Can your bondage desire be fulfilled through porn?  Can you find other mutual sexual interests to explore?

The right “vanilla” partner in your life will always be more fulfilling than all the hottest kinky sex you could ever have.  Although some people lose sight of this fact, there is much more to life than kink. 

If you are sitting there thinking your boyfriend may assume you are a freak and will break up with you at the mere mention of bondage – you might as well bring it up.  Chances are you are overestimating his reaction.  If this is the type of question that will end your relationship you two will soon find something else that will likely end it anyway; so let your freak flag fly.

Keep in mind:  “If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.” ~Nora Roberts

Puppy Gear

One response to Getting your BF into Kink

  1. This is a great post. Especially in a long term relationship, there is indeed more to it than just the kink. Another option could be discussing an open relationship where one goes elsewhere for the kinky sex if the partner is not into that.

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