After my recent post Safely Meeting a Dom a sub got in touch with me and offered some additional thoughts. Below are some additional considerations that Playcurious put together. At some point I will merge this with other similar posts I have to provide a single resource. Here are his thoughts on safely meeting a Dom, in his own words:
• If you want to do bondage, make certain you know your Dom well. When you are bound up and immobile (The best kind, to me), a Dom can do anything and you can’t stop them. If this doesn’t set off all sort of alarm bells, go jerk off a few times and then come back when you have a level head.
• See if there is a local group into what you like, NY has a good bondage club, other major cities have other kink parties of different varieties. They can be a great place to test out your kink a little bit and meet people in the community in person. At these you can usually tell who are the regulars who are well respected.
• Generally you want to find a Dom who has a network. That is, they know other Doms and subs and still converse with them. This means that they both have played before (and possibly regularly), as well as the people they play with come back for more.
• If it’s your first time as a sub, it’s good to find a Dom who has subbed before. They know what it feels like to sub for the first time, and that can help them lead you through it. That said, there is only one first and mine was with a guy who started as a sub, and there are definitely some Dom-only guys who would be great for a first time.
Arriving at the scene:
• You will get butterflies. You will be nervous. I still get butterflies when going out for a first meeting. It’s just the nature of what you’re doing. Man up, show up, and say hi to the Dom anyways. It takes a lot of willpower to willingly submit to someone. If you really can’t go through with it, then TELL THE Dom. If you just don’t show up with no warning, then you will have successfully pissed of the Dom, which makes it so you probably don’t want go to that Dom again. It may help to talk to the Dom on the phone ahead of the session to help squash your worries, talk about their history, and what play they’ve done, so you can be confident both with them as a person, as well as gain more confidence in their background/history.
During the session:
• If you’re new to a Dom, and nervous, it’s good to setup checkpoints. Things where the Dom has to pause and check with you before continuing. It can help reassure you that the Dom is working within your constraints, while still hopefully toying with you and taking you unexpected places.
• If you’re still nervous, during some light play time just test out the safe words. Make sure they work and that when you say the word for “stop and drop everything immediately” the Dom really does just stop, even if there isn’t much going on, and ask why and what needs to change to resolve the issue. Note I say only in light play, because a safeword in the middle of a heavy scene can really pull apart the enjoyment of the scene, absolutely do it if you need to, but possibly ruining the scene just when it’s getting fun is no fun.
• If you’re doing something you’ve seen that interests you: that crazy suspension predicament bondage, that guy covered completely in wax drippings, or that one with a glowing red ass from flogging – Try it light first. Start with escapable bondage, a couple of drops of hot wax on your chest, or a light spanking before you go deep. That said, if you find you like it, don’t be afraid to dive deep. A good Dom should do light testing if it’s your first time with the Dom in that kind of play, to figure out how you take it.
• Setup times to talk frankly to the Dom, where you cannot be punished and feel free to talk about anything and everything in the scene, what you liked, what you didn’t, what was good and bad. It’s useful. Communication is important, and critical to ensuring everyone has a good time.