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Intimidation has long held a negative connotation in my mind. Typically, I associate this word with intentional aggressive behavior intended to influence another person’s actions.  It was rather surprising to me in a recent conversation when not one but two subs let me know that they found me intimidating…in a “good way”.  My reaction transitioned from surprise to confusion with a hint of trepidation.

boundand (formerly FLABound) explores this conversation more in his blog post on his new blog Growing In Kink by boundand – be sure to bookmark the new page!  Back to my thoughts…the feedback I previously received from 113 and 79 was very positive so the start of our conversation caused a feeling of cognitive dissonance.  As our discussion progressed I began to understand why they felt intimidated and I also became more comfortable with them having those feelings.  As 113 mentions in his post, four themes comprised his feeling of intimidation: respect, confidence, fear, and mystery.  Where I was concerned that 113 and 79 felt “forced” to do as they were told I had simply invoked feelings within them where they wanted (and still want) to please me.  This was really a conversation about headspace.

To an extent these traits can come together in a Dom to cause a feeling of intimidation, in a good way. Ultimately it gets down to the headspace you want to be in.  Not every sub will want these traits in a Dom and not every Dom will want to invoke these feelings in a sub.  The great thing about this community is that it is so diverse and everybody brings something slightly different to the table.

My best,

Much to my delight 79 (FlyboyFL) was set for another visit along with 113 (boundand / blog) on Thursday evening.  One of my previous sessions with 79 was the longest sustained-intensity scenes I have ever had so I was really excited to see him again.  113 and I chatted many times but we had not met prior to this evening.  In the text below I am going to describe portions of the evening I had in order to offer some insight into my thoughts and how I controlled this session.  It is neither meant to be a play-by-play recount of the session nor is it meant to give up all of the ways I controlled the subs and the scene.

My partner and I checked into the hotel Thursday evening and once we were settled it was time to meet 79 and 113 in the lobby.  We chatted for 30 minutes or so before my partner split off for the evening.

We could have easily played in the hotel but I found it hard to resist the opportunity to bring two submissive, young, and attractive guys back to my playroom.  I was in my A-Tacs uniform and black vest as I led the subs a few blocks to my SUV.  Once they were in the back of my SUV I blindfolded and handcuffed them for the ride back to the playroom.


Upon arrival I split the subs in a similar manner to what I did the previous evening with CdnBondCouple.  I did this so I could ensure I had 113 in the headspace I wanted him to be in.  In my interactions with 113 prior to the scene it was clear that he looks up to and has deep respect for 79.  In my dialogue with 113 I played off his respect for 79 and also let him know how quickly and easily I put 79 in his place.  Once my point was made orally it was time to demonstrate it physically.  113 was nude as I made him crawl back to the playroom where a nude 79 was waiting.  I had 113 stop just after he entered the playroom so I could do a demonstration with 79.  I ordered 79 to drink from the dog bowl that was on the floor.  He struggled with this task as I had placed my heaviest metal collar with a lock on him earlier.  It is extremely difficult for a sub to drink from the dog bowl with this collar on as the bowl tends to keep getting pushed forward.  I wanted 113 to see how submissive 79 was so 113 knew my expectations of him.

At this point I was satisfied that I had 113 in the headspace I wanted him to be in.  It was now time to push 113 further physically into submission so I ordered him to use his head to hold the dog bowl in one place so 79 could drink.

Slaves 79 and 113 - 5.24.2012 - 02 copy

From here I put the subs in a couple simple positions where they were sitting on the ground with their feet in front of them in a position allowing me easy access to their cocks.

The only problem I have with using multiple subs at the same time is splitting my attention between them.  Up until this point in the evening neither sub truly had my undivided attention for more than a few minutes.  It was time for 113 to be caged to wait for me to use him as I wanted to do some breath play with 79 in the playroom.

Slaves 79 and 113 - 5.24.2012 - 15 copy

After a while I wanted private 1 on 1 time with each of the subs.  I pulled 113 out of the cage and pushed 79 in there.  I led 113 out to our balcony where he worked on my feet and legs.  After my time with 113 I had some time with both of them before I brought 79 out to the balcony for some 1 on 1 time.

The session ended with 79 and 113 back to back on the floor.  In addition to their collars and other restraints I chained their necks together so they did not have much leeway.  In the picture below you can see 79 taking advantage of 113 to make himself more comfortable.  I would have liked to see 113 be a little more aggressive with 79 but, for several reasons, I did not expect to actually see it play out.  On a side note, 113’s respect for 79 as a person is well founded but that was not going to stop me from “playing” with it.  I have deep respect for both 79 and 113 as subs and as people.

Slaves 79 and 113 - 5.24.2012 - 51 copy

As I drove back to the hotel Friday morning I was even more confident that we were going to have a great weekend…Check out 113’s blog post for his perspective on the evening.  You just might be able to read 79’s perspective here in the future as well

Note:  This post has been edited to reflect FLABound’s screen name change to boundand

***I understand that some people will disagree with what I say in this post.  I also want to acknowledge that this post includes my thoughts and is not meant to be the answer about how to interact with a Dom/Handler and/or sub/pup that you do not know.  That being said, my focus of this post is when a Dom/Handler is with a sub/pup and someone neither of them know walks up to interact with them.***

Public play has always interested me but lately it is working its way up my list of interests.  A by-product of this is that there are often other people that do not handle themselves appropriately when they see a Dom/Handler with a sub or pup.  When a sub/pup is out in public it is not an open invitation to touch him or otherwise take advantage of their submissive position.

Anytime I am with a sub/pup my number one concern is their protection.  Protection in this manner means a number of different things but, for purposes of this post, I am going to focus upon their health, physical well being, and sense of security.  I describe two very different situations below:

Fetish Bar:
This spring I had a sub at a Fetish bar in Chicago.  We were having a good time and the sub was kneeling in front of me in a submissive position while I chatted and enjoyed my beer.  Some random guy walked up, pulled his dick out about 18 inches from us, and started to jerk off.  My sub’s face was at the same level of the random guy’s cock.  I immediately used both my hands to push the random guy back several feet to the point he almost fell.  At that point, I had my sub stand so he was no longer in such a submissive position and I kept watch of the offender the remainder of the night.

In this situation I had a sub down on his knees and as soon as the random guy took action he was clearly invading our personal space.  If he came up to talk or complement the sub (as a number of others did that night) I would have been polite with him.  Since he decided to come up and jerk off I immediately acted to protect my sub, and myself, from getting cum on us and to minimize any risk from a potential STD.

Throughout IML weekend I was in the lobby and the various parties with a sub or two at my side.  Most of this time was spent talking with old friends, meeting new friends, and a number of “fans” introduced themselves.  During some of this time I had my sub kneeling before me and the majority of people were very respectful of him and enjoyed watching him.  A number of factors contributed to the attention he drew – he is a great guy, he is very submissive when he is with me, and he had my heavy collar on. 

On a couple of occasions random people walked up and started to touch him which shows a lack of respect for him.  Luckily, nothing similar to the incident at the Fetish Bar happened at IML.  Once again, I protected my sub and corrected those that overstepped their bounds. 

When a sub gives up control to me they are entrusting me to help them explore their submissive nature.  I talk about limits with subs extensively prior to play and I am always respectful of a sub’s limits.  Because of this I expect that when they are subbing for me they will not question what I tell them to do.  In order for a sub to get in the correct headspace they must trust me and know that they do not need to worry about their basic protection as I will provide that for them.  This is why I am protective of any sub/pup that is submitting to me. 

When you see an unknown Dom/Handler and sub/pup together in public respect them both.  If you want to talk to one, or both of them, feel free to approach the Dom/Handler and be polite.  If you do not know both the Dom/Handler and sub/pup I am of the opinion that you should not go beyond conversation unless you are otherwise told it is OK to proceed.  In these situations an outsider does not know the headspace that the Dom and sub/pup are in at a random moment in the evening. If you want to touch or otherwise engage the sub ask first.  If the Dom/Handler declines understand that this may be at the sub’s request or you may otherwise be interfering with the evening the Dom/Handler and sub/pup set out to enjoy.

Pup Sparky wrote a blog post about Interacting with Pups that I encourage everyone to read.  While Sparky was writing specifically about pups I think his words apply to subs too:

Everyone in the leather/kink communities should respect what they are doing by treating them well, and not abuse the position a pup puts themselves in by being vulnerable physically and mentally. That respect is what is allowing the vibrant and fun puppy community we have now to continue to grow.

Finally, I would like to thank 113 (boundand), my friend and sub and my partner (Toil) for offering their differing insight on this subject.