Archives For Thoughts for Doms

Earning Trust

Fossil9 —  September 18, 2013 — 2 Comments

It always surprises me how quickly some subs are willing to give themselves over to a Dom they have never met.  Certainly there is excitement for a sub in finding a Dom and handing himself over to the Dom after exchanging only a few introductory messages.  I can only imagine how intense it must be for a sub to be making his way to an unknown Dom’s playspace.  Putting himself at the mercy of a Dom that has only a basic framework of what the sub’s interests and limits are.  The complete lack of control likely makes for a profound Butterfly Moment.

As a Dom I really struggle with these kinds of situations.  In some cases I believe that the sub is looking to experience what I mention in the previous paragraph and I certainly respect that.  In some other situations I think the sub either does not understand the risks or simply does not care about them.  While I do not understand why safety would not be of paramount concern to a sub I believe that, as adults, we should be able to make informed choices about our actions.

My interest in having a scene with a new sub where he offers himself as a “clean slate” has gone from something that really excited me about 10 years ago to something that borders on being a turn-off for me.  There are several reasons for this change; I believe the primary one being that I have matured significantly over the past 10 years.  My enjoyment of Doming a sub is heavily influenced by the sub’s enjoyment of their role under my control.  Another key to my enjoyment is having earned the sub’s trust rather than simply having the sub’s trust.

There is a difference between earning a sub’s trust and the sub just giving their trust to the Dom.  I think it is easier to push a sub’s limits and grow the D/s relationship when the Dom has earned the sub’s trust rather than when a lower level of trust is given by the sub.  Pushing a sub near his limits and growing my D/s relationship with the sub is rewarding for both of us.  The best way to do this, for me, is on a solid foundation of trust.


Making Smart Decisions

Fossil9 —  May 15, 2013 — 1 Comment

With IML coming up in about a week people from all over the world will converge on Chicago.  Many of us will need to make important decisions about safe sex throughout the weekend so I thought this would be an appropriate time to share some general considerations about the decisions we make.  While I advocate both playing and having sex in a safe manner I respect that some consenting adults may make different decisions.

I have alluded to this idea in past posts but we all tend to make different choices when we are aroused than when we are not stimulated.  On a couple occasions I have informally experimented with this on subs.  For example, prior to any session with a new sub I take some time to chat with the sub so I can understand their interests and limits.  During an actual session, when a sub is aroused, a few interesting things happen.  Subs tend to be more open to pushing their limits and they tend to be interested in additional things.  All of a sudden, licking the boot of the man standing in front of him goes from being uninteresting to a big turn on for the sub.  The inverse of this situation may also occur – if a sub is jerking off while communicating his interests and limits he may find that he is not into those same things unless he is very horny at any given moment in a scene.

All of us have experienced ourselves making different decision or finding different interests when we are horny than when we are not.  This concept is analogous to the decisions people make when they are sober vs. when they are drunk.  Few people would argue that they make their best decisions while they are drunk.  Do we make our best decisions while we are horny?  Probably not.

Getting back to my point – take some time and think about the sexual activities you are likely to engage in when you are aroused.  And, while you are not stimulated, decide what you are (not) willing to do sexually and decide how you will do so in a safe manner.  Then, when you are horny, you just need to apply the decision you previously made.  As an example – if you may end up having anal sex with someone make the decision, in advance, to use a condom.  Do not leave this decision up to your horny alter-ego.  You should also keep some condoms on you so you are less tempted to forgo one when you are horny and might not make the best long-term decision for yourself.  Instead of saying to yourself that it is OK to skip a condom”just this time” tell yourself “not this time”.  Make your safe sex decisions in advance and make the commitment to yourself to honor them, no matter the situation.

I also encourage you to check out the video about the “Rule of 3” for an interesting idea about an approach to safer sex.

We owe it to each other to play safe.

The Dictator Game

Fossil9 —  May 6, 2013 — Leave a comment

My post on Game Theory in a Scene triggered a number of interesting discussions so I am going to continue with occasional posts incorporating game theory in a BDSM or power exchange based situation.  I already discussed the Prisoner’s Dilemma in my prior post which is just one “game” in game theory but there are a number of interesting “games” that can be incorporated into a D/s dynamic.  This post will focus on the dictator game and my next post incorporating game theory will be on the ultimatum game.

Dictator Game
Some quick background – In the dictator game one player allocates all of a fixed reward/resource.  The second player has no choice but to receive whatever the first player has allocated to the second player.  If player one is focused upon maximizing his own benefit he will take all of the reward/resource and leave nothing for the other player.  The concept is pretty simple and generally used to test how altruistic people’s are actions are in a given situation.

Application in a D/s situation:
In a D/s situation the aforementioned game needs to be slightly tweaked to fit the dynamics of each individual’s role.  First, the Dom needs to have a good understanding of what the sub(s) really enjoy; what they are willing to do but need to be “pushed” to do; and what their limits are.  To be clear, I believe the Dom should already know these things prior to setting up any scene with a sub.

When a Dom has a single sub in a scene the Dom can still leverage these games to have some fun with the sub.  Instead of allowing the sub to chose rewards/resources from a list given by the Dom we can make the sub chose from a set of experiences that would push their limits or otherwise be unfavorable.  He will make those choices and, if acceptable to the Dom, they will be carried out.  This seems too simple so we need to make it more difficult for the sub.  What if the sub does not have a good feel for their Dom’s expectations?  Does the Dom really expect the sub to chose all the negative experiences?  If the sub selects none of the negative experiences will he be off the hook?  Will the sub get into the worst possible situation by incorrectly trying to call his Dom’s bluff?

When I communicate with the sub about the choices they need to make I tend to be vague about what I am expecting.  My interest is not in having the sub simply fulfill the expectations I set for him so the vagueness helps force the sub to make real decisions.  If the sub is given too much direction he will do what he is obviously supposed to do and then the two of us are simply acting out a scene instead of interacting.  The sub knows he needs to fulfill my expectations but he also needs to figure out what exactly those expectations are.

Normally after I give the sub this task I will be patient and give him some time to give me an answer.  In my experience the most frequent outcome is that the sub will take some time and finally arrive at the decision to take most, if not all, of the adverse experiences.  When I ask the sub about his decision making process usually he struggles for awhile and, in some manner, says that he based his decision upon what he thought my expectations of him were.  Sometimes the sub is right and sometimes he is wrong.

On other occasions I want to have a different kind of fun with the sub – I will get inside the sub’s head even more.  The lack of clarity in the directive to a nude sub already restrained in a vulnerable position can really make it difficult for the sub to think clearly.  While they are thinking, I like to amp up the pressure on a decision.

It is always fascinating to watch people under duress make decisions that may have repercussions.  Just as in other aspects of life; some subs see stress as a powerful motivator and others succumb to it.  While playing one of these “games” with a sub is certainly fun from a general power perspective these situations can be powerful tools to help understand a sub’s interests and their will.

If you decide to try something like this in a scene be sure to give it some thought beforehand and be sure it is appropriate for your situation.  As with anything on my blog, this concept will not be appropriate for every Dom or sub but I thought it would be worthwhile to share.  At minimum, I hope this post helped trigger some new thoughts about interactions during a power exchange focused scene.