Archives For Thoughts for subs

Below is a recount of 211’s trip to Berlin over spring break.  He had a new experience and mixed feelings during a scene there.  I really appreciate the candor with which he wrote:

The week prior to this was my spring break, and I spent my last few days in Berlin. While I did a few touristy things during the day, what stands out the most about my time in Berlin is how I spent my evenings. The most notable occurrence is best summed up by a recent tweet of mine, “I’ve always been told that I’d experience many new things studying abroad… I just didn’t think fisting would be one of them.”  Personally, I find the tweet to be quite humorous, and I want to say overall I did have an enjoyable experience, but I do have to admit that I am slightly bothered by the experience as well. There are a few reasons why this event sits a little uneasily with me, but the main reason is, in retrospect, my hesitancy to use a safe word.

If you were to look at my recon profile, or ask me what my hard limits are, you would have, and still will find that fisting is one of those. Going from that alone, the fisting (or rather the attempt as I did not take the entire fist) shouldn’t have happened that night, but it did. There are three reasons why it did happen, the dominant and I didn’t discuss limits, I was in sub space and was therefore more willing to push my limits, and lastly my hesitancy to use my safe word during the scene. I want to not that I am by no means trying to say that I regretted that night, or that the dominant took advantage of me, but rather I am merely trying to learn something from that night.

As I said before, we didn’t discuss limits or the use of safe words before we started playing. This discussion is extremely important and, in my personal opinion, should happen before meeting up for a scene. Now this isn’t always the easiest thing to do, especially when meeting people at an event or bar, but people should make there best effort to do so or at the very least be prepared to bring things up as a scene is going. This brings me to my concerns about subspace. While I find that the head space is a truly pleasurable experience, I also see it as being dangerous for a sub.

The reason I say this is because being in that headspace, at least for me, makes you more likely to push limits and therefore makes you more vulnerable. While many people may say that limits are meant to be pushed, it is my firm belief for this to be done with a person you trust, and who knows you well enough to determine how far they can push your limits. That night I was deep in my headspace, and because of that I wasn’t as aware of what was occurring in the scene. While I originally thought he was fingering me to prepare me for penetration, I slowly realized that his only intention was to use his hand. Part of me wanted to use my safe word and tell him no, but at the same time I didn’t want to ruin the scene.

In hindsight, I really had no reason to worry about ruining the scene because several times earlier in the night the dominant I was with proved to be understanding and respectful of my limits, and would pause what we were doing to comfort me and ensure me that we wouldn’t do anything that I didn’t want. The first incident was when I was going down on him, and a crowd of people started to jack off around my face. This started to make me feel really uncomfortable and the dominant notice, and said or signaled for the other guys to leave and they did. The second occurred when he started to piss on me and I immediately reacted by pulling away. At first, he continued what he was doing because I hadn’t used a safe word, but when he realized that I was feeling uncomfortable, he stopped and pulled me up and started to hug me while apologizing.

Obviously, he was trying to ensure that I was comfortable and that he wasn’t doing anything that I didn’t want. However, this brings up the question of why he didn’t pick up on my discomfort when he was trying to fist me? There are a few possible answers to this question, but the one that I think occurred is how deep I was in my own headspace, and the headspace that he could have been in. I was so far in my headspace that I wasn’t one hundred percent aware of what was going on. I was aware that he was using he fingers, but I wasn’t aware that he was intending to fist me. By the time I realized what was going on I was at a loss for words because while I wanted to use my safe word, I was also in shock at what was going on. I believe that it was also possible that he was far enough in his headspace, that he didn’t realize I was having mixed feelings. The one thing that I’ve taken away from this is that I need to force myself to use my safe word when I’m feeling uncomfortable, and two that there are sometimes when my limits are going to be pushed and that I have to use those experiences to determine where I want my limits to lie.

Signaling In a Scene

Fossil9 —  November 11, 2013 — 1 Comment

If you have been following my blog for awhile you likely have seen that the importance of communication is a recurring theme.  In both my professional and kink lives I have seen poor communication cause significant, potentially relationship ending, problems.  Playcurious even included the importance of communication in his recent post that he wrote for my blog:

•    Setup times to talk frankly to the Dom, where you cannot be punished and feel free to talk about anything and everything in the scene, what you liked, what you didn’t, what was good and bad. It’s useful. Communication is important, and critical to ensuring everyone has a good time.

Another major form of communication is non-verbal communication and more specifically, peering through the lens of economics, signalling.  The problem here is overcoming information asymmetry.  Put another way – during a scene both the Dom and the sub have information about their level of enjoyment which, ideally, they will signal to the other party.  Stopping a scene to have a conversation about what is (not) working can kill the flow of the scene and this is where signalling comes in.

Throughout a scene as the Dom does things to you or with you give non-verbal feedback so the Dom can gauge your enjoyment.  Even when you are tightly restrained and gagged you have a number of options to convey your enjoyment or lack thereof.  Moaning and whimpering are two ways that quickly come to mind.  The way you moan or whimper can convey your level of enjoyment or distress.  The way you move or wriggle within restraints, the timing in which you respond to orders, even the speed and deepness of the breaths you take can be used to signal what is (not) working to the Dom.  These signals, in conjunction with the expectations laid our between the sub and Dom in advance of the scene, can be used by the Dom to guide the scene.  Additionally, when a scene turns to interests that have not been fully vetted ahead of time these signals can help guide where the scene goes.  Provide your play partner feedback throughout a scene to help guide each other where to explore next.

After my recent post Safely Meeting a Dom a sub got in touch with me and offered some additional thoughts.  Below are some additional considerations that Playcurious put together.  At some point I will merge this with other similar posts I have to provide a single resource.  Here are his thoughts on safely meeting a Dom, in his own words:

•    If you want to do bondage, make certain you know your Dom well. When you are bound up and immobile (The best kind, to me), a Dom can do anything and you can’t stop them. If this doesn’t set off all sort of alarm bells, go jerk off a few times and then come back when you have a level head.
•    See if there is a local group into what you like, NY has a good bondage club, other major cities have other kink parties of different varieties. They can be a great place to test out your kink a little bit and meet people in the community in person. At these you can usually tell who are the regulars who are well respected.
•    Generally you want to find a Dom who has a network. That is, they know other Doms and subs and still converse with them. This means that they both have played before (and possibly regularly), as well as the people they play with come back for more.
•    If it’s your first time as a sub, it’s good to find a Dom who has subbed before. They know what it feels like to sub for the first time, and that can help them lead you through it. That said, there is only one first and mine was with a guy who started as a sub, and there are definitely some Dom-only guys who would be great for a first time.

Arriving at the scene:
•    You will get butterflies. You will be nervous. I still get butterflies when going out for a first meeting. It’s just the nature of what you’re doing. Man up, show up, and say hi to the Dom anyways. It takes a lot of willpower to willingly submit to someone. If you really can’t go through with it, then TELL THE Dom. If you just don’t show up with no warning, then you will have successfully pissed of the Dom, which makes it so you probably don’t want go to that Dom again. It may help to talk to the Dom on the phone ahead of the session to help squash your worries, talk about their history, and what play they’ve done, so you can be confident both with them as a person, as well as gain more confidence in their background/history.

During the session:
•    If you’re new to a Dom, and nervous, it’s good to setup checkpoints. Things where the Dom has to pause and check with you before continuing. It can help reassure you that the Dom is working within your constraints, while still hopefully toying with you and taking you unexpected places.
•    If you’re still nervous, during some light play time just test out the safe words. Make sure they work and that when you say the word for “stop and drop everything immediately” the Dom really does just stop, even if there isn’t much going on, and ask why and what needs to change to resolve the issue. Note I say only in light play, because a safeword in the middle of a heavy scene can really pull apart the enjoyment of the scene, absolutely do it if you need to, but possibly ruining the scene just when it’s getting fun is no fun.
•    If you’re doing something you’ve seen that interests you: that crazy suspension predicament bondage, that guy covered completely in wax drippings, or that one with a glowing red ass from flogging – Try it light first. Start with escapable bondage, a couple of drops of hot wax on your chest, or a light spanking before you go deep. That said, if you find you like it, don’t be afraid to dive deep. A good Dom should do light testing if it’s your first time with the Dom in that kind of play, to figure out how you take it.
•    Setup times to talk frankly to the Dom, where you cannot be punished and feel free to talk about anything and everything in the scene, what you liked, what you didn’t, what was good and bad. It’s useful. Communication is important, and critical to ensuring everyone has a good time.