Archives For Thoughts for subs

Earning Trust

Fossil9 —  September 18, 2013 — 2 Comments

It always surprises me how quickly some subs are willing to give themselves over to a Dom they have never met.  Certainly there is excitement for a sub in finding a Dom and handing himself over to the Dom after exchanging only a few introductory messages.  I can only imagine how intense it must be for a sub to be making his way to an unknown Dom’s playspace.  Putting himself at the mercy of a Dom that has only a basic framework of what the sub’s interests and limits are.  The complete lack of control likely makes for a profound Butterfly Moment.

As a Dom I really struggle with these kinds of situations.  In some cases I believe that the sub is looking to experience what I mention in the previous paragraph and I certainly respect that.  In some other situations I think the sub either does not understand the risks or simply does not care about them.  While I do not understand why safety would not be of paramount concern to a sub I believe that, as adults, we should be able to make informed choices about our actions.

My interest in having a scene with a new sub where he offers himself as a “clean slate” has gone from something that really excited me about 10 years ago to something that borders on being a turn-off for me.  There are several reasons for this change; I believe the primary one being that I have matured significantly over the past 10 years.  My enjoyment of Doming a sub is heavily influenced by the sub’s enjoyment of their role under my control.  Another key to my enjoyment is having earned the sub’s trust rather than simply having the sub’s trust.

There is a difference between earning a sub’s trust and the sub just giving their trust to the Dom.  I think it is easier to push a sub’s limits and grow the D/s relationship when the Dom has earned the sub’s trust rather than when a lower level of trust is given by the sub.  Pushing a sub near his limits and growing my D/s relationship with the sub is rewarding for both of us.  The best way to do this, for me, is on a solid foundation of trust.

-Fossil9

Safely Meeting a Dom

Fossil9 —  August 29, 2013 — 1 Comment

A couple people suggested via my Tumblr that I write a post about safely meeting a Dom.  This post offers some thoughts on this subject as a supplement to my post, “Recommendations To a New sub Setting Up his First Session.”  If you have any additional ideas or thoughts on my ideas please leave a comment on this post or get in contact me using another medium.  To be clear, I have never met a Dom with intentions of subbing for him.  However, I have been the Dom in this situation on a number of occasions.

When I first was thinking through my ideas on how to safely meet a Dom I identified a few different “risk levels”.  For purposes of this post I lay out a couple risk levels I think people will be most concerned about.  I also assume that the sub has already found a Dom they are interested in and now need to proceed with the process of vetting the Dom.

My first recommendation is to figure out what “safely” means…you probably already have a good idea of what it means to you but be sure you define your concerns for yourself.  There are many different definitions of safety.  Are you concerned about someone causing intentional harm?  I you worried about contracting an STD?  Are you worried you may be unintentionally hurt by the Dom in the scene?  Once you know what your concerns are you can determine the best plan(s) to mitigate those risks.
Death or Intentional Harm.  Chances are very slim that you will get yourself into a situation where someone will intentionally cause you non-consensual harm.  Still, this is a common and important concern.  My recommendation would be to seek out other subs (preferably subs that have a good reputation) and ask them if they had a good experience with the Dom.  Ask specific questions that are related to your concerns; a few questions you could ask the other sub:
-Did you ever feel unsafe when you were with the Dom?
-When you were restrained did you ever feel unsafe?
-Did you ever need to use a safe word?
-Did the Dom respect your limits?
-Do you still play with the Dom?  If not, why?
-Would you recommend the Dom to a friend looking to sub?
You will learn a lot about the Dom by asking questions of subs he has played with.  Additionally, pay attention to your interactions with the Dom.  You can learn a lot about someone by paying attention to what they do.  Are their actions consistent with what they say?

You may want to meet the Dom in a public place before your time together.  This will allow you to do a final evaluation and see how he is in person.  Follow your instincts.

Once you agree on a start/end time and location I highly encourage you to tell a close friend what you are going to do, where you will be, the person you will be with, and their contact informationI would also recommend that you use some sort of app on your phone that would allow your friends to track your whereabouts, like Apple’s “Find My Friends” app.  

If you are concerned with contracting an STD – First, figure out what level of risk you find acceptable.  After you make this decision ask them Dom what their STD history is.  Unfortunately, you have few options but to take the Dom’s word on this.  Once you know your acceptable level of risk and the Dom’s STD history you need to make the decision that is correct for you.  Communicate that decision BEFORE the scene – if the Dom presses you on this I would advise against playing with him.  This is a decision you, and you alone, should make.  You can have an incredible experience as a sub (or Dom) without having oral or anal sex.

Be sure to check out my post about setting limits as well – Limits, Perspectives, & Classifications.  The reality is that the vast majority of people that are in this scene are really good people; do not forget this fact.  I wish you the best in finding the right Dom that can give you a safe and great experience

-Fossil9

Making Smart Decisions

Fossil9 —  May 15, 2013 — 1 Comment

With IML coming up in about a week people from all over the world will converge on Chicago.  Many of us will need to make important decisions about safe sex throughout the weekend so I thought this would be an appropriate time to share some general considerations about the decisions we make.  While I advocate both playing and having sex in a safe manner I respect that some consenting adults may make different decisions.

I have alluded to this idea in past posts but we all tend to make different choices when we are aroused than when we are not stimulated.  On a couple occasions I have informally experimented with this on subs.  For example, prior to any session with a new sub I take some time to chat with the sub so I can understand their interests and limits.  During an actual session, when a sub is aroused, a few interesting things happen.  Subs tend to be more open to pushing their limits and they tend to be interested in additional things.  All of a sudden, licking the boot of the man standing in front of him goes from being uninteresting to a big turn on for the sub.  The inverse of this situation may also occur – if a sub is jerking off while communicating his interests and limits he may find that he is not into those same things unless he is very horny at any given moment in a scene.

All of us have experienced ourselves making different decision or finding different interests when we are horny than when we are not.  This concept is analogous to the decisions people make when they are sober vs. when they are drunk.  Few people would argue that they make their best decisions while they are drunk.  Do we make our best decisions while we are horny?  Probably not.

Getting back to my point – take some time and think about the sexual activities you are likely to engage in when you are aroused.  And, while you are not stimulated, decide what you are (not) willing to do sexually and decide how you will do so in a safe manner.  Then, when you are horny, you just need to apply the decision you previously made.  As an example – if you may end up having anal sex with someone make the decision, in advance, to use a condom.  Do not leave this decision up to your horny alter-ego.  You should also keep some condoms on you so you are less tempted to forgo one when you are horny and might not make the best long-term decision for yourself.  Instead of saying to yourself that it is OK to skip a condom”just this time” tell yourself “not this time”.  Make your safe sex decisions in advance and make the commitment to yourself to honor them, no matter the situation.

I also encourage you to check out the video about the “Rule of 3” for an interesting idea about an approach to safer sex.

We owe it to each other to play safe.