Archives For What I Wish I Knew When I First Started

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I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou

The prior quote from Maya Angelou has been engrained in my brain since I first heard it back in 2008.  Some things that we hear really resonate with us, this quote resonated with me.  It applies both to non-kinky and kinky aspects of my life but I’ll keep it focused upon my scenes for purposes of this post.

When I Dom I am really looking for more than just locking a guy up and being able to have my way with him.  I want to share an experience with my partner and the sub.  It is hard to describe although I suspect most of you understand what I mean.  Taking our shared experience to another level requires a little forethought but that is true in most things in life.  Here are some of the things I may consider in advance of a scene to help create an experience:

  • Why am I interested in the sub?
  • What am I going to get out of our time?
  • What will the sub get out of it the session?
  • Why is he interested?
  • What is his experience?
  • What are his expectations?
  • What can I learn?

Each time with each sub will be different and some of these questions are more important at various times.  This helps me set up a framework for what I want to do during a scene but it will not give me a specific step by step plan for the scene.  During the flow of the scene my partner and I will adjust as necessary to maximize everyone’s enjoyment.  To be clear, this does not work every time and it will not work for everyone.  However, I have found investing a little bit of time up front has provided me with better experiences than leaving things to chance.

Coming Out

Fossil9 —  March 27, 2013 — Leave a comment

This post is intended for those of you that are gay and have not come out to the people that are important in your life.  

National coming out day is not until October 11th but given the Supreme Court hearings I thought I would take this opportunity to remind everyone of some of the benefits of coming out.

Inevitably there are also a number of people that say ‘I can’t because of reason XYZ‘.  Some of these people are absolutely correct and may have a lot to lose on a personal level – if someone is legitimately in that situation the best thing to do is wait until the time is right.  However, most people significantly overestimate the negative consequences that they may experience by coming out.

I came out gradually to my friends and family during my freshman year in college.  The only tough situation I encountered as I came out was with a close female friend that had a crush on me.  She thought I invited her to dinner to formally ask her to date me.  Other than that, every single person I told was supportive.  The gender of who you sleep with is immaterial to those that you are important to in life.

A benefit I had in coming out was that I felt much happier since I could be ‘me’.  I was no longer living a lie…and I no longer had to answer the dreaded question at family functions – “Do you have a girlfriend?”.  I was able to introduce them to the guy I loved.  Honesty, I think my parents like TOIL more than my other siblings or me.

Back in 2008 a sub, and friend, called me up crying.  He and I already had several lengthy discussions about coming out but during the call he let me know he finally came out to his parents.  Given his crying, I assumed his family did not take the news well.  Luckily, his tears were due to the emotional weight being lifted from his shoulders.  His sexuality did not matter to his family; they loved the son they always knew.  I have to admit that I even teared up in my conversation with him and the happiness I felt for him.

Finally, another huge benefit of coming out has been changing some people’s minds about gay people and gay marriage.  A number of my coworkers have gone from being apathetic on gay marriage, because they did not think it would impact them or anyone they know, to being fully in support of gay marriage.  I was caught off-guard by the number of people that have made supportive comments to me as the Illinois legislature recently brought up the issue of legalizing gay marriage.  I have also helped to dispel some stereotypes they have previously had of gay people.

I know by coming out that I helped to get at least a few more people in support of gay marriage – yesterday twelve of my straight coworkers wore red to work in support of marriage equality.  If you have not already come out I encourage you to take some time and reflect upon the benefits and consequences it may have upon your life and come out when it is right for you.  The Human Rights Campaign’s Coming Out Center is a good resource.

When a person comes out he helps to change minds and we all benefit from it.


Bondage on a Budget

Fossil9 —  March 8, 2013 — Leave a comment

Just after Christmas a new-to-kink guy I was chatting with sought some help on purchasing his first gear in a cost efficient manner.  He had consulted my post on Accumulating a Gear Collection but he wanted to chat through some more specifics.  Our conversation focused upon whether it was best to purchase fewer pieces of quality gear or get more total pieces of lower quality gear.  We are both biased toward purchasing quality gear but I also helped provide him with some options that helped him save some money.

Below I have included some of the thoughts I shared with him and, in many cases, point out less expensive alternatives to traditional sex shops for some items.  Many of these tips are obvious to experienced guys but they may not be as obvious to those just starting out.

The Gear:


If you are going to use a collar when you play I recommend getting a quality collar like the locking leather collar from Mr. S Leather.  It is reasonably priced, you can be proud to wear it, and you will not need to worry about replacing it after a couple years of use.  I have had one of these for several years now and I still enjoy leveraging it in a scene.

For a less expensive option you could pick up a collar from a pet store but they normally do not look quite as nice as a collar made for a sub.  You could also go to a hardware store like Home Depot and have them cut a chain about 18 inches long – add a lock and you have a collar although this may not be comfortable for the sub.

Leashes are a good tool if you are into pup play or humiliation and it will only set you back $15-$20 if you purchase one from a pet store.

Rope, Chain, & Locks
You do not need fancy rope if you are just getting into rope bondage.  If you plan on tying limbs together you can pick up some rope from Home Depot.  Rope work is not my forte but I believe you would want rope that is around a quarter inch in diameter.

Home Depot is also a good source for chain.  They have a number of different chain diameters and they can cut the chain to any length(s) you request.

If you are going to purchase locks pay a little extra and get quality locks.  I have had the best success with Master Locks and you can usually get a couple packs that are keyed alike so you can have 8+ locks and only need one key.

You probably already have items you could use as a blindfold laying around.  Bandanas and socks make great blindfolds.  Be aware that a sub may be able to see through the blindfold if it is stretched too thin or not properly placed.  If you are worried the sub will see through a stretched blindfold you can always apply a bit of duct tape on one side of the blindfold.

Duct Tape & Shrink Wrap
Warehouse clubs are the perfect place to purchase duct tape and shrink wrap.  A couple years ago my partner and I purchased an 18 inch by 3000 foot role of shrink wrap for about $15.  We still have a long way to go before we run out of it.

Handcuffs are an ideal item in a kinkster’s gear collection.  They are somewhat inexpensive, extremely functional, and easy to store.  A good set of handcuffs can last for many years, in fact, I still have the first handcuffs I purchased when I was 15 years old.  When you purchase handcuffs be sure you get a set that is double locking (and use it) so they do not tighten up too much on a sub’s wrists.  You can find handcuffs from numerous stores on the internet – I have purchased from the Handcuff Warehouse before so you may want to check them out.

You could also purchase flex cuffs (similar to cable ties) that are single use and cost about $1 each.


Black spandex hood
My recommendation is to purchase the Spandex Hood from Mr. S Leather.  This is one of the first items I purchased from Mr. S Leather many years ago because it is functional, easy to store, and inexpensive.

You could also utilize a pillow case or cloth bag if you have one but it is important to be sure the sub can easily breath through the cloth.

Nipple clamps
These are available through a number of kinky websites and most are relatively inexpensive ($20 – $40) and most of the less expensive alternatives are functional but lack aesthetic appeal.

Knee pads
Check out a (used) sporting goods store for a good pair of knee pads.  Consider if you will be crawling around on them like a pup or if you just want them to support a sub in kneeling position.  Try them out in the store…it is OK to be on your knees in a sporting goods store since you are trying the kneepads on.  And who knows, someone just might walk up and give you something to do while you are down there 🙂

Condoms & lube
These are not items to neglect – always have more condoms and lube than you will need on hand.  Take a look at a website like Walgreens or CVS – their websites usually have more options for products that they do not carry in store.  I have saved a lot on lube by purchasing it through

This list was not intended to be a comprehensive list of the gear you should have in your collection.  Rather, my intention was to give you some thoughts to consider if you want to add some gear from the referenced categories to your collection while being mindful of the costs.

Note that if you purchase something through the Mr. S Leather links included above I will be compensated for referring your purchase.  I have purchased from every other retailer mentioned in this post although I do not have an affiliate relationship with any of them